Empty lump... Emotional Hump

It was a Tuesday afternoon and a week of waiting was finally going to come to an end. It’s been a week of wondering, pretending not to worry when behind my outward positive attitude; my brain is in pre-panic mode. The letter was so cold and clinical.
2009   June...
Top of the page, I am part of project no. 096475. Following you recent breast x-ray, it has been found necessary to ask you to attend for a further screening examination… time, date and place were noted and they said, feel free to bring someone with you if you wish.

Anyway, that was the gist of it. I have a terrific, supportive man but I saw through his ‘everything-will-be-fine-attitude.’ He loves me, and he’s worried too. 

We walked hand in hand up the sidewalk of Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital to the Breast Imaging Department, Level 3, and West wing. The signs were easy to follow and the place looked large, new, but cold on this warm June afternoon. We walked up one flight of stairs, through the door and in the direction of ‘Breast imaging.’ 

There were two women, we assumed nurses, behind the reception area. I walked up and announced myself. 

“Have a seat please; we will call you in a few minutes.”
Alex spied a pedestal fan and turned it on. The chairs were hearing aid beige and chilly vinyl, carpet colour wheelchair grey and walls painted a neutral deep terracotta colour. No pictures were hanging anywhere, but on the far end wall are nine cheques, enlarged and framed to publicize the community minded and profitable businesses, that support the development of this new breast screening unit. On the reception counter was a bouquet of milk white carnations poking up from a waterless glass vase, announcing to all; we’re fake! We’re fake! I’m hoping my lump is fake.
“Alex, I have to pee.” I always have to pee when I’m nervous. I excused myself and walk down a hall to the washroom for handicapped people.

When I returned, Alex was leaning over the counter speaking with a nurse.
“I’m sorry for being so vague, but I really can’t tell you anything else. You can speak to the Dr and ask any questions then.”
I gave his hand a little tug, “Let’s sit down, It won’t be long.”

“I knew you would have to interrogate them.” I spoke quietly.
“I was over there like a shot, as soon as you headed for the door.”
“What did you say?”
I said, “yo Doreen, give me the S.P. on my wife’s tits.”
I laughed aloud. Four other angst ridden women looked at us.
“You did not,” I grinned.
“Maybe not, but I made ya laugh.”
“Did ya notice, I wore my new shirt for the occasion?”
“And fits your belly pretty good to, no gapping buttons or anything, very handsome you are.”
“And stylish, don’t forget stylish.”
“Alex, I appreciate your support more than you know. I don’t see one other guy here.”
My name was called.
“Want me to come?” Alex asked.
“I’ll ask her.”
When I did, she said she was going to show me the x-ray and than we will see the Dr for an ultra-sound. 
“Your husband can come with you than if you like.” 
I gave Alex the open handed finger bend, signalling five minutes.

I stood there looking at the grey photo of my mammary glands and she pointed to a dark spot on my right breast. 
“This is why you’ve been invited back.”
Invited? What a word to use… like, it’s a party of something.

It was all of one minute, to see a dark spot and then she led me through the other door, back to wait with Alex.

Another fifteen minutes passed and we’re called again, this time to another room with the ultra-sound equipment. A nurse explained what would happen. Remove you upper items of clothing and lie on the table. The Dr will be here in a few minutes. Alex helped me take of my white lacy blouse, and unfastens my new white lacy bra. I lay on the table with a white towel over my quivering breasts. The Dr came in, introduced himself and shook my hand.
I didn’t even hear his name…. Just get on with it

He smeared the gel on the right outer side of my breast and asked me to tilt on my left hip. The screening procedure took all of four or five minutes. 

“If you look at the monitor, you can see what we were not sure about. Looking on the screen, I am fairly confident this is nothing but a harmless breast cyst. They come and go with hormone fluctuations. It appears we’ve worried you for nothing.” The Dr. says.

I sat up, wiped the slippery gel off. I was relieved. I saw relief on Alex’s face. He fastened my bra for me. I slipped my blouse back over my head and down over my breasts. So, I keep them for awhile longer. Next x-ray, they will hang a bit lower. The nurse presented me with a pamphlet. 
“You will be called for another x-ray in three years. If you notice any change or anything unusual see your Dr.”

That’s it. We’re outa here. 
Alex lead me into the shop before we leave. 
“Let’s buy something, a remembrance of the positive outcome.”

What a great idea a gift for health. Everyone gives gifts for sickness; we’ll get a gift for health!

We browsed the shop and decided on a blue and white stained glass cat wind-chime and a ‘yellow finch,’ the yellow-finch is a little ceramic bird. We could have chosen a Wren, Sparrow, or Snowy Owl. There was even a bird named Blue Tit.

As we drove home, I had a flashback from last night. 
“Alex,” I said. “I am clueing in now – I remember last night and just before I fell asleep. You reached your hand over to my breast and gave it three taps with three fingers.”

“I was just seeing if you were awake.”

“I think you were preparing for today.” I smiled.

“Do ya think I’m a voodoo man?” He grinned

“I think you are a special, man,” I said.

“Got you fooled, haven’t I?” He said, with a tousle of my hair.

We arrived home while the sun was still warming the garden. 

“Get your kit off girl and soak up yer vitamin D.” Alex said.

I needed no coaxing and felt delight in the heat of the sun on my bare flesh, back and front. My breasts soaked up the sun’s rays – x-rays are a fading memory.
Once again, the gift of togetherness, from the man up above, is tested, and we’re blessed once more. We expect the optimistic, instead of dreading the pessimistic.

More than three years have passed since this experience. I thank God every day for my gift of health. When I see friends, employees and family members struggle with health challenges, it reminds me to be truly thankful for this daily gift. None of us know how fleeting it can be.