Empty lump... Emotional Hump

It was a Tuesday afternoon and a week of waiting was finally going to come to an end. It’s been a week of wondering, pretending not to worry when behind my outward positive attitude; my brain is in pre-panic mode. The letter was so cold and clinical.
2009   June...
Top of the page, I am part of project no. 096475. Following you recent breast x-ray, it has been found necessary to ask you to attend for a further screening examination… time, date and place were noted and they said, feel free to bring someone with you if you wish.

Anyway, that was the gist of it. I have a terrific, supportive man but I saw through his ‘everything-will-be-fine-attitude.’ He loves me, and he’s worried too. 

We walked hand in hand up the sidewalk of Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital to the Breast Imaging Department, Level 3, and West wing. The signs were easy to follow and the place looked large, new, but cold on this warm June afternoon. We walked up one flight of stairs, through the door and in the direction of ‘Breast imaging.’ 

There were two women, we assumed nurses, behind the reception area. I walked up and announced myself. 

“Have a seat please; we will call you in a few minutes.”
Alex spied a pedestal fan and turned it on. The chairs were hearing aid beige and chilly vinyl, carpet colour wheelchair grey and walls painted a neutral deep terracotta colour. No pictures were hanging anywhere, but on the far end wall are nine cheques, enlarged and framed to publicize the community minded and profitable businesses, that support the development of this new breast screening unit. On the reception counter was a bouquet of milk white carnations poking up from a waterless glass vase, announcing to all; we’re fake! We’re fake! I’m hoping my lump is fake.
“Alex, I have to pee.” I always have to pee when I’m nervous. I excused myself and walk down a hall to the washroom for handicapped people.

When I returned, Alex was leaning over the counter speaking with a nurse.
“I’m sorry for being so vague, but I really can’t tell you anything else. You can speak to the Dr and ask any questions then.”
I gave his hand a little tug, “Let’s sit down, It won’t be long.”

“I knew you would have to interrogate them.” I spoke quietly.
“I was over there like a shot, as soon as you headed for the door.”
“What did you say?”
I said, “yo Doreen, give me the S.P. on my wife’s tits.”
I laughed aloud. Four other angst ridden women looked at us.
“You did not,” I grinned.
“Maybe not, but I made ya laugh.”
“Did ya notice, I wore my new shirt for the occasion?”
“And fits your belly pretty good to, no gapping buttons or anything, very handsome you are.”
“And stylish, don’t forget stylish.”
“Alex, I appreciate your support more than you know. I don’t see one other guy here.”
My name was called.
“Want me to come?” Alex asked.
“I’ll ask her.”
When I did, she said she was going to show me the x-ray and than we will see the Dr for an ultra-sound. 
“Your husband can come with you than if you like.” 
I gave Alex the open handed finger bend, signalling five minutes.

I stood there looking at the grey photo of my mammary glands and she pointed to a dark spot on my right breast. 
“This is why you’ve been invited back.”
Invited? What a word to use… like, it’s a party of something.

It was all of one minute, to see a dark spot and then she led me through the other door, back to wait with Alex.

Another fifteen minutes passed and we’re called again, this time to another room with the ultra-sound equipment. A nurse explained what would happen. Remove you upper items of clothing and lie on the table. The Dr will be here in a few minutes. Alex helped me take of my white lacy blouse, and unfastens my new white lacy bra. I lay on the table with a white towel over my quivering breasts. The Dr came in, introduced himself and shook my hand.
I didn’t even hear his name…. Just get on with it

He smeared the gel on the right outer side of my breast and asked me to tilt on my left hip. The screening procedure took all of four or five minutes. 

“If you look at the monitor, you can see what we were not sure about. Looking on the screen, I am fairly confident this is nothing but a harmless breast cyst. They come and go with hormone fluctuations. It appears we’ve worried you for nothing.” The Dr. says.

I sat up, wiped the slippery gel off. I was relieved. I saw relief on Alex’s face. He fastened my bra for me. I slipped my blouse back over my head and down over my breasts. So, I keep them for awhile longer. Next x-ray, they will hang a bit lower. The nurse presented me with a pamphlet. 
“You will be called for another x-ray in three years. If you notice any change or anything unusual see your Dr.”

That’s it. We’re outa here. 
Alex lead me into the shop before we leave. 
“Let’s buy something, a remembrance of the positive outcome.”

What a great idea a gift for health. Everyone gives gifts for sickness; we’ll get a gift for health!

We browsed the shop and decided on a blue and white stained glass cat wind-chime and a ‘yellow finch,’ the yellow-finch is a little ceramic bird. We could have chosen a Wren, Sparrow, or Snowy Owl. There was even a bird named Blue Tit.

As we drove home, I had a flashback from last night. 
“Alex,” I said. “I am clueing in now – I remember last night and just before I fell asleep. You reached your hand over to my breast and gave it three taps with three fingers.”

“I was just seeing if you were awake.”

“I think you were preparing for today.” I smiled.

“Do ya think I’m a voodoo man?” He grinned

“I think you are a special, man,” I said.

“Got you fooled, haven’t I?” He said, with a tousle of my hair.

We arrived home while the sun was still warming the garden. 

“Get your kit off girl and soak up yer vitamin D.” Alex said.

I needed no coaxing and felt delight in the heat of the sun on my bare flesh, back and front. My breasts soaked up the sun’s rays – x-rays are a fading memory.
Once again, the gift of togetherness, from the man up above, is tested, and we’re blessed once more. We expect the optimistic, instead of dreading the pessimistic.

More than three years have passed since this experience. I thank God every day for my gift of health. When I see friends, employees and family members struggle with health challenges, it reminds me to be truly thankful for this daily gift. None of us know how fleeting it can be.

Family...

November is here and the sun is shining on our street. I enjoy it streaming in the windows today and know it may not last. Sunshine can come and go here in an instant and sometimes not return for weeks on end. I've been away for three weeks, visiting my family in Ontario. My perspective has been altered in a good way. I moved from the frantic day to day of work life and immersed myself in family and my birth place of Ontario.





Family time is never wasted, especially in my case when I only have once a year family time! My mother was going through health struggles. My youngest sister was pulling the heavy rope and doing a wonderful job of helping mother and mother's husband Roy. I admired Deb's intuition and her skill at relationship negotiations. She said, "This was my job Linda - I did it at work." Maybe so, but it is always more difficult to maintain objectivity when we are assisting ones we love. I continue to admire her and her skills.

My week with mother was enjoyable and difficult. Enjoyable due to the fact that I had time to rest, time to detach from work mode, time to slow my mind and take notice of things. I took notice of the space everywhere - endless open spaces and most of family living in large places. I took notice of sunshine...so much sunshine, 16 days out of the 21 I was there.

Difficult because it caused me to acknowledge my own mortality.. my own potential future frailty

. We all know we will not live forever yet watching one's parent deal with being 80 and not well forces a reality focus.

I felt special with most of my sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews making an effort to come out and attend a family dinner arranged by my sister Carol. I felt blessed with such a family who have stayed close even as they expand with my nephews having children and cousins being friends and supporting one another.

Time spent with my own son and daughter and grandchildren was the best yet. Maybe because I went with no agenda except to enjoy time with them...to be with them in their space doing things they like. It would have been easy to fall into the 'fixer' role...my old controller role. 

With my son has diabetes  and struggles to  manage  it consistently and although I could easily be sad that he does not appear to be managing it well - I can chose to be happy that he has made an effort to welcome me into his home. He had prepared meals on three occasions and he wanted to take me quad-biking with the family, in the forest behind his property. He seemed especially happy back there and even had a laugh at one moment as I verbalized my nervousness as he navigated the Quad down a steep hill and I slid forward into his back. Photos were captured to keep these moments for future enjoyment.

With my friend-for-life Linda May, I enjoyed one on one sharing. She takes time to enjoy my photos and hear about my family times and I enjoy her photos and listen to her family's joy and pain. Our friendship has endured across the Atlantic and our lives so often mirror one another with Sons and daughters the same age and with the similar life issues.

I realize that all families have issues of one thing or another. People get ill, people die, people make successful choices and others don't . The fact remains that any choice is a personal one and subjective to the individual in the situation. We on the outside can support, when asked give our opinion and other than that... just demonstrate our love and unconditional acceptance.

As I stepped off the plane in Norwich, I felt my mans eyes on me from the other side of the terminal window. I could not see him due the the one side viewing but I could feel him watching me and I was excited to be home. Through the doors with my luggage and I spotted him sitting in the chair furthest away from the door. He spotted me at the exact moment and stood up walking to greet me. Such a warm embrace such a lovely kiss and another and another. Home is where the heart is. I wonder if I am the only one with so many places to call home.

Spirit Sisters

I just read my sister's blog and was awestruck at the simiarity in mindset regarding the death of our Sister and how it impacted our life. It has been six years and it feels like a blink. I said I was heading to the gym at eight thirty and I got reading on line and here it is eight forty five!

But I am on my way today - three days in a row to our local gymnasium. Tomorrow I will be able to go swimming. Saturday morning is all children's lessons. I have a sore shoulder, possibley for over-extending myself and pretending I am still forty instead of almost sixty. There are lots of other activities I can do. Cross trainer burns 300 calories in thrity minutes! Then I use the bikes, the treadmill and I can work with the hand weights to keep my arm muscles from shrinking.

When I work out and sweat I feel lifted. My endorphins begin flowing again and I look on the world through brighter eyes and with a happier spirit. The sun is lifting in the sky this morning and I have weeding to do, housework to keep my busy. At noon I will make a trip into work to see how Bridget is doing and see that she gets a break. There is always chores to be done but there is none more important than taking care of my spirit holder. In doing so I take care of my spirit.